I realized today that I am looking at the website of a sibling of my ex more often than necessary. She often updates the website with the pictures, and that sometimes include my ex.

My ex is already married, and I have sworn to respect her choice, and never to obtrude in her life again. When I once saw her, I just avoided her (may be she was doing the same). There is this strong curiosity within me, however, to know about her, and it makes me visit that website, sometimes once in a week, just to see how much she has changed. Even though I know the sibling could easily trace me (the IP address of my organization should make it damn obvious to her), I am taking this risk, if I can term it so.

Boy, love is hard to forget. I feel so guilty.

boy, you are gay.

kankai,
hear u loud nn clear. nothing wrong with that i guess. (o:

its tough to forget .... . kind of void etc.

ppl say its " " but not easy 2 move on .. right?

but that promise of never intruding and being away should always keep one on guard. ...

=================================================
least for me ... (o:
but,
what do i know?

was she your first girlfriend???? They say guys never forget their first love......and I've seen that a lotta times....!!!

dc_virus,

if it means anything, then yes, she was the first. I had my moments of disaffection, I strongly disliked her too. Esp before and sometimes even after the breakup. From then on, of course, it is a bit of regret all the time.

cmmn kankai take it cool..
i do it all the time,,find nothin wrong with it,,the degree of swinging between good and bad was so much that i have no respect or any good feelings towards that so called first fren any more,...all i feel now is that i was in love with a bitch..haha..

i guess you probably dont feel same,,anyway all i say is that take it cool,,if someone keeps posting pics and all then it's not your fault,,u are curious and u did what u wanted,,talking about riught and wrong i guess bitching out is not a right thing to do...or perhaps it is,,dont know

Now u guys making me all curious, can u post the url of the website, that way I can take a peep too. Whay say u?

bijays,

I really think she is/was a bitch, but she was my bitch, you know. That makes the difference. You can't hate your bitch all the time. And this looking furtively at her website thing makes me feel like I am a voyeur, feel like I am a criminal. This is a bit disconcerting.

Meera,

Can't give away that website. No point in doing that. Well, I don't think you are the sibling:-)

Kankai,
Do you think maybe the only reason she changes her pics in the website is because it is meant for u to see.

yomama,

That is like flattering myself. No, I don't think so. Furthermore, it is her sibling whose website I am talking about.

Kankairiver ji,

Let me be your shrink. Although the information you gave is not enough to make a prognosis, let me start with your following note,

Boy, love is hard to forget. I feel so guilty.

Often 'love' is hard to forget because we don't want to forget. There is something you don't want to give up. There is something you want to keep with you. In your case, if such is the case, what might that be ?

I don't know what you think of love, however, love (we are talking about romantic love hai ?) is not an elementary emotion but a mixture of several elements each of which has it's own origin and developmental dynamics. For example, the triangular theory of love identifies three elements that compose love. They are: passion, intimacy and commitment. There are other theories too. But none of them recognize love as a fundamental and elementary emotion. Love always has it's components.

I will leave it to you to find the element/s that is still there and that you want to keep.

Now the question is why are you keeping it. Okay, you did not keep it. It just remained with you. Let me ask it differently then. Do you want to keep it or get rid of it ?

If you want to keep it, then this session is over. If you want to get rid of it, then we can talk more.

Let me know when you make up your mind.

प्रेमविज्ञहरुले प्रेमलाई त्रिकोणात्मक हिसाबले विश्लेषण र ब्ञाख्या गर्न खोजेतापनि प्रेम धेरै पर्कारको हुन्छ। तपाईँले जुन प्रेम गर्नु हुन्छ त्यो संसारको सबभन्दा नौलो र नयाँ प्रेम हो।

यसमा संकै छैन।

यसलाई ग्राफ बनाऽर, म्यानुअल लेखेर बुझाउन खोज्नु आकासको आकार निश्चित गर्न खोज्नु हो।

बिर्सनी सकिन्छ भने त्यो पनि प्रेम हो? त्यो त लुकामरी खेल भैगो नि। लुज्जा।

(एकजना गजलका विद्यार्थीलाई, एक जना गुरुले, यो गजल लेख्न सिकाउनु भनेको प्रेम गर्न सिकाउनु जस्तै हो। मलाई नसोध्नुस्, आँफै लेख्नुस्, भन्या थे रे । खुब चित्त बुझ्या थ्यो। )

Nepe,

Now, will you please stop that shrink thingy? I was hoping that people will come here, and say, "dude, you are fine. We too do this." In stead, you seem to be hellbent on proving I have something wrong.

But, I really appreciate your honest attempt to help me. I just think I am otherwise a perfectly normal person, who is guilt ridden that he is nosy regarding 'her' life. That's all.

I totally understand your problem bro. People go through similar stages after a breakup and there is nothing wrong with you. Your curiosity is only because of your love for her. And as you said she was your first, it's going to be a while before the wound starts healing. Longer than you might think. Now that she is married to someone else you have to believe that there is someone else made just for you. Maybe a starting point. Think about it in this way - although you still love her, she is no longer the same person. The person you loved, that was a part of her, has moved on.
A saying that goes perfectly with condition like this by Pablo Neruda - Love is short, Forgetting is long.

But nothing wrong viewing her pictures - it is just normal. Though it might be helpful if you could avoid the urge to. Easier said than done - it definitely helps.
Take care and take it easy. And the saying goes - C'est la vie.

कंकाईरिभरजी,

तपाईको जो ईच्छा । किन्तु मैले तपाईलाई Abnormal साबित गर्न खोज्या चै बिल्कुलै होईन । वास्तवमा shrink हरुको लागि कुनै कुरा पनि abnormal हुँदैन; सबै कुरा normal र explicable हुन्छन् तिनीहरुको लागि ।

shrink भन्नासाथ उतर्सिनु पर्ने कारण थिएन, तथापि तपाईको ईच्छाको सम्मान गर्दै मेरो shrink लाई बिदाबारी गर्छु । तर जाँदाजाँदै यति चाहि भनिहाल्छु- तपाई जसलाई guilt भन्दै हुनुहुन्छ नि त्यसको deconstruction गर्ने हो भने त्यसमा अन्य कुराहरु पनि देख्न सकिन्छ होला, तर तपाई ढुक्क हुनुहोस् जे भएपनि ती सब कुराहरु perfectly normal कुराहरु हुनेछन् ।

मुख्य कुरो तपाईको "sense of guilt" ले तपाईको जीवन/दैनिकी लाई adversely affect गरेको छ कि छैन हो । छैन अथवा कम्तिमा उल्लेख्य रुपले छैन भने चिन्ताको कुरै छैन । छ भने पनि चिन्ताको कुरो छैन, किनभने उपायहरु छन् । छ कि छैन भन्ने कुरो खुट्याउनु भएको छैन वा खुट्याईरहन चाहनु हुन्न भने पनि चिन्ताको कुरो छैन, किनभने यसले adversely affect नभएको तर्फ संकेत गर्छ ।

त्यसैले तपाई ढुक्क हुनुहोस् । यो shrink विदा भयो ।


*** *** ***

दादाजी,

गहिरिएर हेर्ने हो भने संसारको हरेक कुरा तिनिहरुको संरचना (composition) र दिक्काल (time-space) मा तिनीहरुको अवस्थितिले गर्दा अद्वैत (unique) हुन् । यो कुरा प्रेम सम्बन्धमा पनि लागु हुन्छ ।

प्रेम जटिल हुनसक्छ, तर रहस्यमय चै होईन ।

प्रेम तात्विक (elementary) कुरा नभएर यौगिक (compound) कुरा भएकोले यसका constituents को अलग अलग तिव्रता (intensity), सापेक्षता (relativity) र जीवन (life) ले यसको विविधीकरण (diversification) गर्दछन् । प्रेम सम्बन्ध टुट्दा यसको सबै ingredients को एकैपल्ट मृत्यु हुँदैन । हामीले बुझ्नु पर्ने कुरा यहि हो ।