Baba,

I know it has almost been two years since I have had any contact with you. Do not think that I have forgotten you or hate you. No, I could never do that - not even in my dreams, even If I tried. Ten years ago, I would have willingly done anything to erase your existenceýyour memory out of my life and my world. But today, I value you, your life and your being regardless of where you are and how you are. Every night, I pray for you before I go to bed. I pray to God that you are safe. I pray to Him that you have enough food to keep you going and enough shelter to keep you warm. Yes, I pray to Him to grant you strength, wisdom and everything else that will make you happy and comfortable.

At times, I sit down and cry for everything that could not be. At other times, I wonder where you must be and what you must be doing. The other day, I was sitting on my bed reading J. L.ýs, ýInterpretation of Maladies.ý Just then it started thundering and before I knew, it was raining heavily. I sat there and worried about you -- worried, if you had a raincoat to keep you from getting wet, because I heard that you live in the jungle. I worried if you were anywhere near the cave so that you were protected from the storms and hails. I worried if you were still alive or dead.

God forbid it, but even if you die, I will never know about it. For others, you will just be another name and number who died for the sake of the movement, but for me you will be much more than that ý much more than anyone will ever understand. When the government will be celebrating your death as their victory, I know my heart will be crying for losing someone so precious and dear to my life -- to my heart ý something, only I and others like me can comprehend. That is why I do not write to you. Every time I sit down to compose a meaningful letter in your memory, I have to come face to face with the reality ý the reality, which haunts and hurts me, the reality, from which I have been trying to run away and hide for the past five years.

My friends ask me, ýSo what does your dad do?ý I do not know what to tell them. During such times, I find my self-speechless and confused. Should I tell them, ýOh, my dad is a Maoist?ý or should I just come up with some lies? I do not know. I just smile as I tell them, he is jobless right now or he is a social worker. I know it would cut you through and through to hear me saying those words, as I lie to them shamelessly. I am sorry. Please, do not think I am ashamed of you and your life. No, I am not. Deep in my heart, I cannot help but commend you for your courage ý your courage to be able to put your life at stake and everything precious to you for a purpose that you believe is true. Yes, I seriously do, even though I am angry at you sometimes for deserting us when we really needed you the most. But, I will forgive you.

The other day Bobba wrote an email to me. She told me mom was sick ý very sick. I was disheartened to read that she was crying and saying that she was probably going to die this year. I cried silently in my heart because my friends were around me. I was overwhelmed with emotions as I felt a lump in my throat. I ran to the nearest restroom and cried my heart out as I did not wanted my friends to see me crying. You see Baba, I just do not know how to explain this chapter of my life to my friends. All of these experiences and realities seem and feel like deep dark secrets to me. And I feel like if I tell them, they will become a part of a secret that they do not deserve to be. So, I keep those bitter parts of my life to myself, buried deep in my soul, hidden from everyone and everything for another momentýanother day ý another month and eventually another year.

I cannot imagine what mom must be going through. What Bobba and Babu must be going through either. And I do not think they can imagine what I am going through because we hardly talk about your life in the movement. It is what one might call a hush-hush topic, because it is forbidden to speak about it not even amongst us. It appears that all of us are pretending to avoid ýwhat is really real,ý as we talk about other trifling matters of life.

I could probably write a book, if I were to update you about my ý our lives during past five years, but I will stop here. My friends are calling me. They are saying they would like to go for a drive-in movie. I know I still will have to put on that happyý as if everything is perfect face-- and go on with life, because only I know in my heart of hearts, myýour painful realities.

Please eat and sleep at a right time if that is possible. And always remember, no matter what the world thinks about you, always know that, you never were and never will be a ýterroristý in my eyes.

Much love.

very touching letter!


right and wrong, are just a form of perceptions...

This bond between parents and children is amazing. May god bless your dad though he is a maoist. I have my heartfelt sympathy for the pain you have gone through in this separation. I can imagine how you feel to be a child whose father is a criminal in the eyes of our government. I also understand the intentions and dreams your father has for our country, for men with such vision are usually exceptional and hard to find. And, there are thousands of men and women who are in foreign land in the hope of a better life. They also share the same pain they go through in the separation from their families, like you do

Now, as you have had enough experience to understand the vagaries of capitalism, do you think your fatherýs fight for a proletariat nation is right? Its true weýve undergone aristocratic regime, monarchy and such other dirty polities. But, do you think this bloodshed is right? What about those innocent lives lost in this bloody war? They suffer the same pain and grief when they lost their loved ones as you would when you might lose your dad. In the end, it is this bond that binds us together. Try to convince your dad to stop this fight. Anyways, I am sad for what you have been through.

Indeed a great narration of reality tht u r facing.....and so many are.U did spoke the feelings of lots but where will this lead to us? Agreed to u too Kalebhut.


UNITED WE STAND
DIVIDED WE FALL
-NIVAN

wht a intimating letter???????the way u expressed here urself made me go deep inside the emotional world.i was completely overwhelmed when i move over its words.well i won't say i can totally understand abt wht u R going through right at this movement(i can perceive it being practical but not emotionally) but wht i wanna confess is i can totally acknowledge abt the hardest situation that u r crossing with ur frens in ur regular days.ya,its not that easy to walk around with frens pretending like everything is perfect in ur world despite,that bitter truth abt which u even can't commmunicate.
talking abt life n 2 deal with it ,i have never been able to understand it compeletely,not ever.life is risky jorney with miracles.none knows wants gonna happen 2morrow.none has single clue not even a close abt their 2morrow happenings.who knows ,ur dad might make u feel proud 2morrow abt his deed??? who knows ,u will never b tired to describe abt ur dads deeds infront of ur same frens with whom u r obstructing abt ur dads reality.and abt living n dying things...everyone wants to die but they r living unknowingly &the one who wants to live r dying unknowingly...as life n death is not under our control.don't worry gal...time is not always same...as coin has its two parts so do our life...today is a bad day 4 u but who knows 2morrow gonna bring u surprises with happy life...
life is abt to deal with courage n u r doing it
my heart pumps to slutt u
keep going with it
never give up !!!!!!!!!!!!

Teardrop, a close relative of mine was gunned down around March/April. He, the only breadwinner in his family, had 5 children, all girls just like you (I am somehow assuming that you are a femalel). But the difference is that they are all kids, all below 12.

Probably your father and his comrades were celebrating victory upon his death, and letting known to the public how they succedded in executing their supreme strategy in guerilla warfare.

Well, i dont have much to say except that you are luckier than the 5 kids and that I dont approve of your fathers' and his colleagues' master(disaster?)plan. However, I extend my feelings to you, a daughter.

Truly sad indeed! What a difficult position to be in. I wish you peace of mind.

On another note:
Be thankful your father is "only a Maoist" and not a common Nepali Muslim, simply earning his keep; you and your father would have been flayed alive here in Sajha.

Its so sad to see what daughters/sons have to go through cuz of their parents actions. I really feel for you. Nobody wants to be in her/his shoes. My thumbs up to u being courageuos to post ur pain and anguish here in this public forum. Bhanchan man ko betha dherai bandhna hundaina kholnu parcha ani halka huncha. I am getting ur situation.
BTW what are u trying to say here Mr. Jagalte Bhoot by saying that her/his father must be savouring ur relatives death. Sir JB u have to understand why this insurgency started in nepal? i know u do as like all of us. Nobody can deny they didn't know what was going. Jus for example and its truth how we are creating maobaadis'
Have u heard a place name Butwal its 6-8 hrs drive from KTM. If u go further west for about 20 min ride u will find this place( u have to find by urself the name of this place). There is this tharu community but most of young male and female are now insurgents. Do u know the reason why? Cuz there is this thula bada whom they work for 24/7 but still not able to feed themselves. Its like so called slavery once he dies his son or daughter serves them. Every now and than they go for hunting, do u know what kinda hunting is that? they go to this tharu village and make women sit on line and they choose with whom they gonna spend their nights. They don;t care if she is someones' wife, daughter or sister they just need to make their nights colorful thats all. Now tell me how u gonna judge this communities involvement in insurgency? well we know this tharu ppls are voice unheard in nepal and they are treated as if they are aliens.
here is another one it happened to my cuzin in nepal
U go south towards bhairahawa u will find this place called MANIGRAM a very political place. My cuzin was raped and murdered while she and my other cuzins were coming back from their mawali getting dashain ko tika. Everybody knows it who did it and have eye witness too. But to our dismay eye witness were dicounted cuz they were from a family. have u ever heard that? EVEN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM DIDN'T HELP US.Tell me what u have to say now. To make this matter most some upper class ppl said JAO MAGAR HO DEKHAU TIMIHRU KO TAKAT HAMRO CHORA KO BAAL PANI UKHADNA SAKDAINAU. SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE HERE. BUT THATS WHAT IT IS.
BY SAYING ALL OF THIS I AM NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE ACTION OF INSURGENTS.
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS WE ALSO HAVE TO SEE THEIR PROSPECTIVES TOO, DON'T WE? FOR ME INSURGENCY IS GOOD INTENTION TAKEN WRONG PATH.
WITH LOVE AND PEACE

As a nepali, and because of our culture, we nepalese do not try to judge our elders, let alone our parents. What we need to understand is everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes wrong decision, and very selfish ones. Only if we knew how to judge our parents and tell them they are wrong when they are, and they made selfish decision when they do, be it a decision to join a Maoists, a decision to get their son/daughter married without their approval to the ones chosen by them, while caring the least about the outcome for the kids, we wouldn't be crying or suffering everyday.

Madam swati thapa, by saying "her/his father must be savouring" the death of their enemies, I DID NOT the question the necessity or non-necessaity of insurgency. Since the original post was a letter filled with emotion from son/daugh. to a father and s/he seemed to be quite apprehensive about his/her father's position, I just wanted to reveal to her and the readers here how one party's sorrow turns to another party's happiness. Simple as that.

*NOT the question = NOT question

ohhhhhhh..........didnt mean to do the same post 3 times

Good that you can write letters... and still praise your baba.... may be he can read this too.... but do you know that there is thousands of childs who can`t write letters and even if they write there is no way that thier baba is going to read it ...cause baba like yours have send thier baba to some places from where they can never return!!!

Teardrop,

I commend you for coming out in this forum and pouring your heart out. The inner struggles of a person who is trying to grasp a situation that is so complex and confusing has been portrayed prodigiously. It's simply sublime.

The bond between a parent and a child is unmistakably resolute that transcends politics, philosophy and ideology. I could only imagine what it would really feel like to have a parent who has foresaken everything for a cause that he or she feels is worthy of that sacrifice. I guess, once the Rubicon has been crossed, there's no turning back. The child probably feels betrayed, bewildered and bitter. Yet, the love is always there even if it cannot be exhibited openly.

I hope you find solace and peace.

On the flip side, Clickerclick and JagaltayBhoot do have relevant concerns and questions about this whole Maoist movement and its effect on common folks who find themselves victims of this horrendous cycle of violence perpetrated upon them.


Sitarajyu,

I don't think we need to go there since that very topic has had its run earlier right here in Sajha. You'd be opening a whole new can of worms.

Thats a sad story..Damn..

Teardrop:
Wish you peace and strength.Thank you for sharing your pain with us.
DP.